


Selfish

by castielnov4k



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Bathing/Washing, Bottom Dean, Kissing, M/M, Motel, Oral Sex, Post-Purgatory, Purgatory, Shower Sex, Smut, Top Castiel, only a little angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 04:48:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4125978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielnov4k/pseuds/castielnov4k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Cas doesn't let go of Dean's hand at the portal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was only meant to be short, I don't know what happened, but I'm happy with the end result haha.

"We gotta move!" Dean yelled, fighting to make his voice audible above the roaring wind. "The portal's closing!" The power of the gale billowing around them was increasing rapidly, the portal growing only more agitated the longer Dean was standing in its presence. Cas could feel the innate yearn radiating from the opening to grab hold of Dean's foreign body and expel it far from here. 

Cas nodded and Dean let go of his arm, moving quickly towards the rock face. As Cas followed, he tried to perceive the nature of the portal with his higher senses, trying to determine what would and what would not be able to pass through. He could feel no pull on his body towards the portal like he could sense for Dean, nor any repulsion. He couldn't tell whether it would work. Cas's distracted mind, coupled with the slippery terrain, meant that he lost his footing before he reached the top. 

"Cas, dammit, come on!" Dean urged over his shoulder, and Cas pushed himself up, impeded by the force of the wind. Dean, bracing himself, stepped into the seam. He turned to throw a hand out to Cas.

"Come on!" Dean shouted again, reaching his arm out further. He was obviously determined to wait for Cas, so Cas compliantly reached up and grabbed hold of Dean's hand, feeling his calloused fingers tighten around his wrist. 

"I got you, hold on!" Dean assured, tightening his grip even further as the elements roared and buffeted powerfully against them.

"Dean!" Cas called out.

"HOLD ON!"

"Dean..." Cas repeated in a stronger, more commanding tone, slipping his fingers from Dean's grip a little.

"No. No, you son of a bitch, don't you dare let go of my hand, you hear me?! We're so close!"

Dean's fingers closed more tightly around Cas's hand, even though Cas could wrestle his hand out of Dean's at any moment, being an angel. 

"Don't you dare give up, you asshole, not now. I got you, I'm getting us out of here. I'm getting us home."

The seam was growing smaller and smaller, and it was only a matter of seconds before it closed.

"It's closing!" Cas yelled. They didn't have time. Dean didn't have time.

" _Trust me_ ," Dean begged, his eyes darting back and forth over Cas's face. "Please. Cas..."

There was no time. Cas made up his mind in a split second and strengthened his hold on Dean, and Dean responded just as quickly, wrenching him upright. The energy from the portal was disorienting, and Cas was dimly aware of Dean grabbing hold of his waist and roughly yanking him into the seam with him, drawing Cas tight against his body. And then, there was nothing but a hurtling sensation as they flew through darkness. 

They had to shut their eyes immediately against the extraordinary pressure bearing down on them. As predicted, Cas experienced some initial resistance from the human portal, feeling a force against his body that was pushing him away, back to Purgatory. But Dean was still holding onto his hand, and refusing to let go, and it seemed to be sufficient enough to hold off the force trying to break them apart. The pressure on their ears was reaching a stage of being near unbearable, and Cas squeezed his eyes shut tighter, grounding himself on the feel of Dean's warm palm against his. Everything was roaring, and the heat was searing, but as long as Cas could focus on the thrum of Dean's pulse against his skin... 

Everything stopped. The first thing Cas registered was a dramatic decrease in temperature. They opened their eyes and found themselves in a darkened forest, so unlike what they had just stepped out of. The breeze was gentle, dancing across their skin and raising a faint trail of goosebumps on the back of their necks. All around them, they could hear soft sounds of nature, sounds that had been bleakly absent in the Purgatory forest. 

Dean turned to him, a half-smile forming underneath the layer of dirt and grime on his soft features, as if he was somewhat nervous about letting himself believe it. "We made it, buddy."

Cas, finding that he couldn't quite summon the same level of euphoria as Dean, smiled weakly in reply and Dean jerked him into a hug, clapping a hand against his back and barking a relieved "ha!" over Cas's shoulder into the night air. Cas, likewise letting out an appreciative murmur, let himself return the hug, sinking into it and wrapping his arms securely around Dean's waist. He was no longer awkward like the first time, when Dean had found him by the lake and caught him unawares with the open and altogether unexpected display of affection.

Dean let go after a moment, stepping away and keeping his hand on Cas's shoulder, and glanced down at his left forearm, hidden by the frayed material of his jacket. 

"Benny," Cas said simply, and Dean gave a brief nod. 

"We gotta find a way out of here, first, Cas," Dean pointed out, letting go of his arm. "Unless... You're not-?"

"No," Cas sighed, looking at the ground. "My powers - they were weakened in the journey. I don't have enough strength to transport us out."

"It's ok," Dean rushed to brush off. "Just means we gotta go on foot. Same as we have for the past year. No big deal."

Cas nodded. "Do you have any idea where we are?"

"Nope, but you see this dirt?" Dean asked, scuffing the ground with his boot. "It's been trodden down. Hiking trails. That's good, means people come through here regularly. There's bound to be campers around here somewhere, at this time of year."

Cas gestured for Dean to lead the way, and it wasn't long before they fell back into step, the act of trekking through forest all too familiar. Dean navigated using a range of human tracking techniques that Cas still wasn't too experienced in, but he trusted that Dean knew what he was doing. And sure enough, it wasn't long before they came across a tent, pitched under the cover of the branches above. 

Dean was less than pleasant to the couple inside, but afterwards he would insist that it was the most reliable method of getting answers. Cas privately thought that Dean was still wild, for lack of a better word, from their stay in Purgatory, and less accustomed to behaving like a real human being again. Cas had no doubt that he would get there - he had seen Dean do a lot more in the past. Once they got back to Sam, once everything returned to some kind of normal.

The man had, under the threat of Dean's handmade blade, pointed them in the direction of the road, and as they walked, they didn't talk much. It was a comfortable silence, well-practised and familiar. Cas knew Dean would want to talk about what had happened at the portal at some point or another, but he also knew that Dean would only breach the topic when this was all over, when they were home. When Dean could finally reconnect his emotions to his actions and his words. 

They had not walked far when a wave of sensation suddenly came over Cas. 

"Whoa," Cas groaned, unsteady on his feet.

"Cas?" Dean said, stopping and looking at him in concern. "Are you okay?" 

"100 Mile Wilderness."

"What?"

"Maine. 100 Mile Wilderness. That's where we are."

"Cas, how-"

"I think... Some of my powers are returning. Gradually, but enough for me to know where we are."

"Do you think you can get us out of here?" Dean asked abruptly. Dean had a tendency to focus in on one thing like this and not spare attention to other matters, and Cas knew he wasn't intentionally being brash. It just meant that Dean could handle a situation effectively, without preamble. And it wasn't like Cas's _feelings_ were going to be hurt by something as simple as that. 

"Maybe," Cas answered after a moment of consideration. He straightened up, regaining his familiar rigid pose. "Yes. I think so."

Hesitation flickered in Dean's expression, but it was only very mild. "Cas-"

"Dean, it will be fine," Cas assured. "Where are we going?"

"Uh, first stop Louisiana. Clayton, Louisiana. That's where Benny said we could find his bones."

"Alright." Cas lifted his arm and brought two fingers to Dean's forehead. It felt like an eon since he had done this last, but in truth, it was only a couple of years, which was merely a blink of an eye for a being like himself. It was interesting how his concept of time had been altered dramatically since he broke free of heaven's rule. After a consensual nod from Dean, Cas touched his fingertips to Dean's skin and they were flying again, only in a much more familiar, and altogether pleasant, mode. To Cas, anyway. 

When they landed, however, Cas didn't feel quite as pleasant. He had to explain, through gritted teeth, that they wouldn't be able to use that particular mode of transport again for a while, and then, brushing off Dean's concern, suggested that they get moving. Dean squared his jaw, agreeing, and it all went fairly smoothly from that point on. They found the Lafitte property, located Benny's grave, and dug until they uncovered the bones. Cas would have dug the hole by himself, given that Dean was visibly wincing with every use of his left arm, but to even suggest it would have been a waste of breath. 

"Alright," Dean finally muttered, wiping the sweat off of his forehead. The sun was beginning to rise over the property now, and Cas couldn't help but admire the way the light touched Dean as it did so, illuminating his body with soft hues of pink and blue. There had been nothing like this in Purgatory, no gentle light in which to see Dean. Only dark grey clouds and bracing heat, coupled with near pitch black nights. 

"Hold on, you bastard," Dean spat harshly at his arm, wrenching Cas out of his thoughts. Dean started rolling up his sleeve, uncovering the red pulse visible under his skin. "Hold on!" He brought out his blade to cut his arm, and held the arm out over the grave. He spoke the incantation clearly in his deep tones, rolling the words over his lips as smoothly as water closing over stone. The red flesh grew more agitated, and Dean's words got shorter and more breathy, squeezing his eyes shut in discomfort. Cas took a step towards him as liquid seeped out of his arm, meeting the bones with tiny electric sparks as it dripped. Dean was groaning, clutching at his arm, and when the process finally ended with a resounding crack, he stumbled to the side. Cas was there in a flash, supporting his body before he could fall. Dean let out a murmur of gratitude, still panting, when they heard leaves crunch behind them. 

They turned to find one Benny Lafitte staring back at them, clean and unscarred. 

"That was fast," Dean remarked, still wincing as he withdrew his hold on Cas. Cas kept a careful eye on him. 

Benny inclined his head. "Thanks to you." Benny began stretching his neck back and forth, sending out several audible cracking noises into the air.

"Everything working?" Dean inquired, looking him up and down as he stepped closer.

"Good enough," Benny answered, tipping his head back and putting his fangs on display. Cas noticed Dean regard him with an air of wariness as he did so. 

"So," Benny said casually, looking around him. "What now?"

Dean hesitated for a second before he answered, "Like we talked about, I guess."

Benny nodded slowly, failing to hide his disappointment. He did not, however, look surprised. "Then this is goodbye."

Dean nodded back, and Cas could tell he was not as steadfast about this as his words might suggest. Benny noticed Cas's eyes on Dean, and finally looked at him properly for the first time, smiling slightly. "Well, look at you Hot Wings! Portal worked after all. What did I tell ya?"

Cas squinted at him. "You kept telling Dean that trying to get me out was pointless." 

Benny chuckled. "That I did. But I guess I was wrong. I'm glad to hear that you were able to make it out. You're a good guy, Cas."

Cas shuffled awkwardly, entirely aware of the fact that he had intended to stay behind. Dean had clearly not forgotten either, tensing his shoulders and pressing his lips together firmly. 

"Thank you, Benny," Cas replied, meeting the vampire's warm gaze. "You too."

"Keep your nose clean, Benny, you hear me?" Dean said. Benny nodded and stepped forward, extending his hand. Dean took it and shook it heartily.

"We made it brother," Benny commented breathlessly. "I can't believe it."

Dean smiled, his eyes fond, and the two embraced in a hug. 

"You and me both," Dean chuckled, squeezing tightly. When they broke apart, Benny turned to Cas next, and Cas held out his hand. Benny rolled his eyes and pulled him in for a hug as well. Cas, unsure, met Dean's eyes over Benny's shoulder and Dean gave him an amused look of exasperation, encouraging Cas to hug back with a wave of his hand. 

"Are you okay?" Cas asked after they had finished their goodbyes and the vampire had left. Dean was busy bandaging his arm with a torn piece of material from his shirt.

"Are you kidding?" Dean chided, knotting it tightly. "It's just a cut, Cas."

"That's not what I mean," Cas said quietly, glancing in Benny's direction. Dean’s eyes followed, before he set his jaw and looked away from Benny silently, not showing any intention of answering. Cas left it alone. 

"So where do we go from here?" Cas inquired instead. 

"Well, I don't know about you," Dean said. "But I'm in desperate need of hot water. And food. And somewhere to sleep, preferably that isn't under a tree."


	2. Chapter 2

It was still early when they finally made their way into town, but there were people around, joggers and the like. They stared at Cas and Dean as they passed by, eyes drawn to their ragged clothing and dirtied faces. Dean glared at them with an equal amount of disdain, and none made any attempt to approach. 

"Who would voluntarily be up this early anyway?" Dean muttered to Cas. "Fucking fitness freaks."

Cas frowned at Dean, and Dean sighed. "Come on. Let's find a motel."

Cas expected the woman at the reception to be alarmed when they walked in, but she simply looked up from where she sat with a coffee mug and regarded them with ease. It appeared they were not the worst she had seen. 

"You want a room?" she asked casually.

"Uh, yeah," Dean replied, stepping forward. "But isn't check-in usually at 10 or something?"

She shrugged. "Doesn't really bother me, hun. We're out of doubles though. Only single queens. Do you want two rooms?"

"No," Dean brushed aside, reaching into his pocket for the money he had managed to swipe on the way here. "One is fine. Do you have hot water?"

She raised one eyebrow. "What era do you think we're in? Of course we do. There's also tea and coffee in all the rooms, if you want."

Dean took a moment to rub his eyes with his palm, resting his head in his hand. "Anywhere we can get food around here?"

The woman considered them for a second. She twisted a brown tendril of hair around her finger.

"You boys look like you've had a rough night," she noted, finally speaking. "Look, there's a kitchen out the back, I can make you some toast if you want. Free of charge."

Cas and Dean, surprised and grateful, nodded, and she stood up, passing Dean the key to their room.

"Room 6. I'll bring it by, okay?" 

"Thank you," Dean mumbled. After she ducked out to the back, Dean started to head out the door, then paused. He hesitated, as if mulling over something in his mind, before slowly reaching out and taking Cas's hand. Cas gave one small squeeze, and Dean began tugging him along gently. Now that he could let himself feel it, Cas felt completely dead on his feet, like he might collapse if he was forced to be upright for much longer. He yawned, and Dean rubbed one small circle over the back of Cas's palm with his thumb, as they walked to their room.

Dean jostled the key for a second before he could get it in the door and open it for Cas to step through. The room was simple but adequate, and Cas nearly sighed at the sight of the soft bed in the corner. Creature comforts. Dean noticed, and hummed in agreement. 

"We'll just eat, then we'll crash, okay?" Dean murmured. "For a hundred hours, at least."

Cas nodded slowly. "I'm sorry. I'm an angel, I shouldn't be like this, but-"

"Shut up," Dean said, shaking his head. "I don't know what's happening with your mojo right now, but I do know that you've just been through hell. Or it's hell-adjacent, anyway. Resting after that isn't a crime, Cas. It's goddamn expected."

There was a knock at the door, and Cas dropped Dean's hand as he went to go answer it. It was the woman - Jacinta, according to her name tag - holding a stack of toast. He thanked her profusely and she waved it off. 

"You boys get some rest now," she ordered, warmth in her eyes. Green, Cas noted, although darker than Dean's. More shades of brown. He shut the door and walked over to the kitchenette, where Dean was leaning against a bench. 

"Amazing," Cas muttered, setting the plate down and taking a seat. 

"What?"

"Humans," Cas said simply, taking a piece of toast. It wasn't often that Cas had needed to acknowledge food, but right now the smell of the toasted crumbs was pretty damn tempting. 

Dean raised an eyebrow, sitting down next to Cas and likewise taking a piece of toast. "How so?"

"That woman," Cas explained, around a mouthful. "Showing that kind of consideration. Generosity. To strangers, no less. It's... interesting." 

Dean grunted, by way of an answer. 

"It's different," Cas continued, thoughtful. "To angels, I mean. Angels don't tend to act out of the goodness of their heart - despite mass belief. They're obedient creatures, but selfish at heart. Motivated by self-interest, by how it will benefit them."

Dean considered Cas's words. "I don't think humans are very far off from that description."

"No," Cas agreed. "Most of them, you're right. But a few. The ones who show kindness, carry out selfless acts, like that girl. They're what make humanity beautiful, what make watching it captivating."

Cas waited for a moment before he continued, "you and your brother are a similar case. You spend your lives helping others, for no personal gain. After being surrounded by only angels for multiple millennia, you two seemed rather peculiar to me at first."

Cas looked up when Dean didn't answer. Dean seemed altogether bothered by something Cas was inferring. Dean was frowning, opening his mouth a few times and looking as though he was about to bring up whatever it was, and Cas waited. But, apparently Dean decided the better of it. 

"Whatever," he said, pushing the subject aside for now. He dropped the piece of toast onto his plate and stood, stretching. "I'm done eating. You too?"

"Yes," Cas answered, joining him. 

"Sleep, then I guess."

This time it was Cas who reached for Dean's hand. Dean met Cas's gaze softly. He looked so tired. 

"Sleep," Cas agreed quietly, pulling Dean gently towards the bed. Twelve months ago, Cas supposed, the idea of sleeping together would have been far off the reservation, but... Well, a lot had happened in those twelve months, to say the least. 

They lay down separately - on top of the covers -, before inching closer. After a moment, Dean wrapped an arm around Cas's waist and pulled him in close against his body, gradually shedding away layers of the self-consciousness that he burdened himself with, and just allowing himself to get closer, letting himself feel. Cas drifted off to the warmth of Dean's hold, and the sensation of Dean's breath, slowing and deepening as he relaxed, brushing against his neck.

* 

When Cas woke, it was before Dean. He felt better already, even though, by the look of position of the sun visible through a sliver of the curtain, he had only slept five hours or so. It felt as though his grace might soon be at full power again, aided by rest and food. 

His and Dean's bodies had become fairly entangled by this point. Their legs were slotted together, one on top of the other. One of Cas's arms was trapped, where he had it wrapped around Dean's flank, but he didn't really care. Cas looked down to find Dean's face buried in his shoulder, apparently indifferent to the grime still present on his clothes. His soft, familiar snore was slipping from his slightly parted mouth. 

Dean's right hand was resting on Cas's hip, Cas noticed. Cas reached down with his free hand, taking hold of it and gently flipping it palm-up. He studied it for a moment, before beginning to lightly trace it with one long finger, gliding over each line and crease and callous. Cas always liked Dean's hands, liked exploring them like this. Dean wouldn't know, of course, they didn't discuss it.

In fact, they didn't discuss much about what had happened in purgatory at night.

Inside the forest, it was...different. There was something, not tangible but ever-present, in the atmosphere, that attached itself to you. It followed you around, and eventually, when night fell, it haunted your dreams. It didn't affect Cas's sleep, of course, he didn't sleep most of the time. But Dean would, and he was constantly restless, twitching and moaning, and Cas would be forced to listen, feeling unable to help. One night, Dean woke up, gasping and sweating, unable to calm down from whatever horrors he had been facing. Cas had crawled over to him, trying to soothe him, but it was only when Cas lay down next to him and physically held him that Dean began to quieten. Cas remembered how Dean had knotted his hands in the fabric of Cas's shirt and the way he had shuddered, as his breathing slowly returned to normal. Another night, when the air was icy, for once not stifling and humid, Dean's teeth were chattering in his sleep. Cas had removed his trenchcoat and blanketed Dean in it, tucking it around him, and then pulled Dean flush towards his body, sharing heat until Dean's shivers ceased and he relaxed. It became routine that Cas would provide this comfort when Dean's sleep was disturbed, and Dean would let him. Eventually, they stopped needing a reason. Sometimes, Dean would return the favour, joining Cas on his sentry duty, simply sitting there without uttering a word, and after a while resting his head on Cas's shoulder, providing nothing more than silent companionship. 

One night, Cas was absentmindedly carding his fingers through the hair at the nape of Dean's neck, where it had grown out substantially in the time they had spent here, when Dean's mouth had suddenly inched its way to Cas's. Cas was startled, having assumed that Dean was asleep. Dean's lips were warm, and though Cas suspected he still wasn't 100% awake, there was enough insistence behind them for Cas to relax and return the kiss. The kiss was unhurried, peaceful, close-mouthed, as easy and uncomplicated as holding Dean close.

Benny knew, of course, for how could he not. They all knew, they just didn't bring it up, especially in the light of day. The daylight seemed too bright and too harsh, too intense to inspect the matter under a microscope. 

Now, the circumstances and their setting was rather different, but it felt just as natural as it had back then. Cas stopped tracing Dean's skin and slid his fingers through the hand instead, holding it loosely. 

Cas had so nearly let go of this hand. It had certainly been his intention. He had been planning to stay behind, and wait out his days repenting for his sins. Punishment and atonement, as he had been taught. But Dean had thrown a spanner in the works, as he had from the beginning.

 _From the moment Castiel laid a hand on you in Hell, he was lost_. 

But Dean was not to blame, Cas argued. Dean was a good man, selfless, so unlike Cas. Dean had spent a year tracking Cas down, fighting monsters and bottom feeders every which way, all the while praying to Cas and receiving no answer. He should have just gone home when presented with the opportunity, and forgotten about Cas. He should have just left him behind. But of course Dean would never have done that, because he was too _good_. And Cas was too selfish. Cas had chosen to let Dean pull him into that portal, shying away from his fate, like a coward. _Cas_ was the problem. 

Cas sighed, and closed his eyes again, imagining he was back in Purgatory, where he ought to be. Eventually he drifted back into a disturbed slumber, more for something to do than anything else. 

The next time Cas woke up, Dean had rolled over in Cas's arms, so that Cas was now pressed up against his back. Cas inched even closer, and gave a brief squeeze around Dean's midriff, pressing his forehead in between Dean's shoulder blades. Dean made a noise at the movement, muffled slightly by the pillow. Cas pulled at him a little, so that Dean was lying on his back and Cas could lie alongside his flank, resting his head on his chest. Cas watched as Dean's eyes slowly blinked open, slightly irritable. When they fell on Cas, they softened.

"’morning," Dean mumbled, lazily coiling an arm around Cas's shoulders. "Afternoon, evening, night, whatever."

"Evening," Cas confirmed softly. "Did you sleep well?"

"Yeah, okay," Dean grunted. "Better than I have for a while. Where's your beard?"

"...What?" Cas asked, bewildered. 

"You're clean shaven. Look, see..." Dean caressed Cas's face lightly, over the angel's smooth and newly soft skin. Cas's flesh burned where Dean touched it, feeling blood rushing to the area. Dean swallowed, and retracted his hand. "So, yeah, anyway. Is that an angel thing?"

"Perhaps," Cas said quietly. Then, a few beats later, "My grace is returning, I can feel it. It shouldn't be too long until I am at full power again."

"Good."

They stayed like that for another few minutes, just lying there in comfortable silence. Cas smoothed out Dean's shirt, then scrunched it, and smoothed it again, repeating the process several times. Dean was simply staring at the ceiling, chewing at his bottom lip thoughtfully. Cas wondered if he would broach whatever was on his mind, or whether he was supposed to ask. He would have left Dean to his thoughts, but curiosity was burning a fuse inside him. 

Eventually he gave in and asked what was wrong, throwing caution to the wind. 

Dean didn't take his eyes off the ceiling. Cas, assuming he had not heard him, opened his mouth to repeat the question, when Dean responded, "Cas, uh - what did you mean before?"

"When?" Cas asked, furrowing his brow.

"When you said I - Sam and me - when you said I was selfless?"

His words only confused Cas further. "I don't understand."

"Try to," Dean said calmly, masking a bite of frustration in his voice.

"I meant that you help people, Dean. It's your main priority in life. You feel responsibility for the safety of others, carry it with you like a burden. And when you fail, you feel guilt." He recounted it like he was reading from a textbook, matter-of-fact as always. 

Dean was silent again for a moment.

"Responsibility," Dean repeated, rolling the word around his mouth like an unfamiliar taste and laughing drily. "Huh."

Cas tilted his head, startled by Dean's suddenly bitter tone. "Yes."

"Why did you try to stay behind, Cas?" 

The question came out of nowhere, and Cas was not prepared, although of course he had been expecting the topic to be brought up at some point. He tried to answer, but felt like his throat was closing up all of a sudden, his mouth dry. Cas sat up, crossing his legs, and Dean followed suit, sitting against the headboard.

"Well?" Dean prompted coldly, folding his arms.

"I-"

"Were you ever planning on coming through with me? Or were you lying the whole time?"

"I never lied, Dean."

"No, but you let me believe it. That's the same as lying, in my books. You were going to stay behind, even after everything I did to get to you."

Cas bowed his head. Everything Dean was saying was right, and he deserved every word. Dean had sacrificed a year of his life, a life he could have spent here, searching for him, and Cas would have stayed behind. What a waste. But that wasn't entirely Cas's fault. 

"I never asked you to do that," Cas uttered quietly. 

Dean blinked. "Cas, what are you talking about? Of course I was going to do that. You're my friend."

Cas pressed the palms of his hands to his eyes in frustration. Yes, _of course_ Dean was going to that. He was Dean Winchester. And Dean Winchester was good. Dean Winchester sacrificed, all too much.

"Dean, you shouldn't have. You should have just gone with Benny when he found you, come back here when you could."

"Why the fuck are you being like this, Cas?" Dean shouted, finally exploding. "Why are you talking like this? Why didn’t you want to come home? Why did you want me to _leave_ you?!"

Cas wanted to answer, but he was scared of saying it out loud, because there was no taking it back once he had. It would be admitting it to Dean and admitting it to himself once and for all. Dean, however, appeared to be at the end of his patience. 

After a few more moments, Dean threw up his arms in exasperated resignation and turned away, and Cas sensed that his time had run out. Dean was starting to close himself off again; it was now or never. 

"Because I deserved it."

"What?" Dean barked. 

"Because I deserved it!" Cas repeated, his voice swelling in volume. "Alright?! I deserved every moment of suffering in that place. I deserved the heat, the dirt, the monsters. After what I did to heaven?! After the kind of horror I unleashed on the world?! Leaving you and Bobby and Sam behind, thinking I was higher than all of you? Putting myself at the same level as God and believing that I was superior, that I _knew_ better? It was all so fucking arrogant, Dean, I was so arrogant, and I deserved to rot for what I did. I knew that, and I had accepted it. But then there was you, and you would not let up. Try as I might to escape you, you were _determined_ -"

"Oh right, I see," Dean interrupted sourly. "Well in that case, sorry for _bothering_ you." 

"Will you let me finish?" Cas said impatiently, and Dean glared back at him coldly, and Cas took his silence as his cue to continue. "Anyway, eventually you did find me. After months of praying to me, with no answer. After I abandoned you. You still came through and you found me, just as I had perhaps known that you would, eventually. After witnessing the kind of lengths you would go to, I decided that the only way I could get you to go home, without me - as you should have done from the beginning - was to go along with you. To go with you until the last moment, when it would be too late, and finally let go. Because you're too selfless for your own good, Dean. That's what I was talking about before. You never would have left me if I had told you the truth. You would have stayed and tried to convince me, tried to save me when I didn't want to be saved. Because you think that everyone's problem is your problem, and when you can't solve that problem, you will let yourself drown in guilt and-"

"Wait," Dean said, interrupting again. His next words were quiet. "Hang on. You think that I was only searching for you out - out of what, _obligation_? Because I felt some kind of responsibility for saving you? Because I'm _selfless_? Is that what you've been trying to say?"

Cas stared back at him, unsure all of a sudden. "...Well, yes."

Dean let out a breath he had apparently been holding, and tipped his head back against the wall, running his hand over his face. 

"What?" Cas asked nervously.

Dean actually laughed then, lowly and without any real humor, but there was no longer bitterness. Maybe even a certain level of wonder. "You think I was being selfless. Wow."

Cas waited patiently for Dean to get to the point. 

"Cas, the whole time I was searching for you, I was thinking about myself," Dean explained in exasperation. "Don't you understand that? I had to find you, because _I_ need _you_. You think I felt obligated to find you and to 'rescue' you, just like I rescue everybody else? It was the complete opposite. I was being nothing but selfish, because I needed you, and I wouldn’t stop until I found you, for my own selfish gain. It was about me, the whole thing. But I didn’t care, because to me, there wasn’t another option, Cas. I couldn't leave without you, I couldn't just-"

Dean broke off his rambling then, faltering, before resolutely pressing his lips into a hard line and glaring at the motel room door. Cas felt numb, everything he thought he knew turning on its head as he finally put the pieces of the puzzle together. It wasn't about obligation, or about a sense of duty...

"It was about us," Cas whispered. 

Dean turned back to face him, eyes glistening, and it was answer enough. 

"Oh, Dean, I'm-" Cas bit his lip. "I'm so sorry."

Dean looked down at Cas's words. "Yeah, that was what I thought. It's okay, Cas, I'm not expecting anything. I never was. As long as you're safe, I don't car-"

"No, not like that," Cas corrected, shaking his head, once he figured out what Dean was alluding to. "I meant... I'm sorry... I'm sorry for trying to let go. I’m sorry for abandoning you, at the beginning. I’m sorry for leaving, and at the portal, trying to leave you again. God, I’m sorry for making the deal with Crowley, for not listening to you. I’m sorry for losing my memory, letting you think I was dead. For everything, I'm sorry."

Everything in the past four years was racing through Cas's head, and for the first time, he was seeing them as Dean had, and it knocked the breath out of him. He had had no idea, of how it all must have looked to Dean, and he was feeling an overwhelming need to apologise for all of it. Every prayer that had gone unanswered in Purgatory was manifesting again, and each word that flitted through his mind felt like blades cutting into his skin. The meaning behind the brokenly uttered prayers was slowly making itself known, and it broke his heart. Dean had begged for Cas, and Cas had more or less turned his shoulder in response. 

How could he even begin to apologise for that? 

When Dean refused to look up, Cas began crawling closer. Dean twitched at the proximity. The angel knelt beside him, hesitantly placing a hand on his cheek, tilting his face up to be on level with his. Dean was so lovely, in that moment, his face inches away from Cas’s. Why did the human in front of him suffer so much? What kind of cruel God could inflict this on such a beautiful creature?

Cas had admired him, for so long. He had long ago accepted that their bond would equate to friendship, and nothing more. Dean had called him his brother, and Cas had believed him. He accepted it, and although it had done nothing to dissuade the pain, it was closure, at the least. It seemed impossible to consider that, all this time, Dean had felt the same. Cas could have had him. He could have him, now, if he dared to be that greedy. Just like how Dean had been, in looking for him. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas croaked, and Dean exhaled sharply. Seconds passed by in the form of years, before Cas made his decision, leaning forward and brushing his lips against Dean’s. Now, just like at the portal, Cas was choosing selfishness. And it was warm, and had calloused lips, and eyes the colour of candy apples.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean responded almost immediately, as if he had been holding himself back for too long. His lips were firm and rough against Cas's, and Cas answered with just as much fervour. Cas gripped Dean's shoulder, then the back of his neck, and Dean parted his mouth, their breath twisting together hotly. Tangling his fingers in Cas's dark hair, Dean angled his head down into his, and Cas complied, licking his way into Dean's mouth. Their tongues worked in tandem, so thoroughly that all Cas could taste Dean. 

Cas almost let out a whine when Dean pulled away, restraining himself just in time. Dean's lips were swollen and even redder than usual, and there was more black in his eyes than green at the moment, but he was still able to let out a breathless chuckle at the sight of Cas's indignant expression. 

"Cas, man, this is totally great and everything, but I seriously need a shower. We both do."

"Oh," Cas said, and then, impatient to get back to what they were doing, "you know, I have regained enough angel power to clean us up."

Dean shook his head. "No, I had something else in mind. I was thinking - did you - do you want to share?" 

Cas looked at him in disbelief. "Really?"

Dean blinked, and looked down shyly. "I mean, if you want to..."

"Yes," Cas mumbled. "That would be - agreeable."

Dean looked up, and Cas smiled shyly. Dean leant forward to catch Cas's lips again, sweet and innocent. 

Cas pulled himself out of Dean's embrace, but held onto his arm, tugging him along with him. Dean moved compliantly, but wrapped his arms around Cas's waist from the back as soon as he was standing. Cas let him, before the wandering hands became too much and he turned around, flattening himself against Dean and kissing him again. God, the taste of him. He did not think he had ever experienced anything as exquisite. They continued kissing as they moved, Dean fumbling for the doorknob with one hand, and flicking on the light. Moaning into his mouth, Cas unconsciously moved towards the top of Dean's waistband, unbuttoning his jeans hastily. 

"Someone's eager," Dean remarked, and Cas shut him up with a bite to the bottom lip. Dean let out a gasp, and Cas felt his arousal suddenly grow a lot harder, from where he could feel it through his pants. Cas took note of his reaction to the harsh treatment, for use later. 

Dean tugged at Cas's trenchcoat, and Cas allowed him pull it from his shoulders, casting it to the side. Their kissing had slowed substantially now, become gentler. Dean shrugged out of his jacket, and Cas slipped his hands under Dean's shirt. He half-heartedly pushed it up his back, not particularly wishing to break the contact between their lips. Dean reached for Cas's hospital shirt, and Cas reluctantly broke away to let him pull it off. Dean looked him up and down, an expression of wonder in his eyes, as Cas brushed over the hem of Dean's shirt again. He lifted it up and over his head, exposing an expanse of sun-kissed skin. Cas leant forward until his forehead rested against Dean's left pectoral muscle, transfixed by freckles. He vowed that he would count each and every one, marking them with kisses as he went. 

There would be time for that, but for now, Cas simply chose one, planting his mouth around it and giving one slight suck. Dean whimpered above him, and he felt hands grasp his hair. 

"Please..." Dean sighed. 

Cas parted his mouth and nipped with his teeth, and Dean ran his hands down Cas's neck, shoulders, arms, sending electric shocks through his body. He continued to lick and suck and bite, until Dean ventured beyond his waistband and grabbed hold of his ass, when Cas had to break away with a low moan.

"Ta-take these off," Dean stammered, and Cas looked at him before he complied, stepping out of his pants. Dean was high-strung, nervous, that much was apparent. Cas wondered, somewhere in the back of his mind that was still functioning, whether Dean was always like this with sexual partners. The transition from his normal loud and confident persona was truly fascinating. Fortunately, Cas was all too willing to give direction, if it was what Dean required. 

Cas reached up to trail sweet kisses up Dean's jawline, feeling him relax under him, hooking his fingers into the belt loops on Dean's jeans and gradually pushing them down. He lightly rubbed his hand over the bulge in Dean's boxers, and ate up the gasp that escaped as a result.

"Is this okay?" Cas mumbled against his lips, and Dean gave a short nod. Feeling Dean begin to massage his ass again, Cas gently coaxed Dean into full hardness through the fabric with his nimble rubbing, enjoying the sensation of Dean being all around him. 

He would have been happy to stay in this moment forever, but there was a deeper yearning within him that was growing hungrier with every touch. He opened his eyes and ceased the movement, and Dean blinked his eyes open as well. Cas stepped away to reach through the shower door for the shower taps, turning on the steady rush of water. 

Dean followed him, and steam began to rise around them, the sound of water bouncing off tiles as Dean's tongue and teeth met the skin on Cas's neck. Cas finally freed Dean's weeping cock from his underwear, and Dean hissed at the sudden exposure. Cas soothed him, stroking his cock gently several times, before steering him into the shower stall. Dean looked at him through hooded eyes, as Cas cast aside his own underwear. Dean reached out, and Cas stepped back into the circle of his arms, the action already feeling familiar. There was no longer nothing between them, and when their bodies collided, all that Cas could feel was heat. 

They let out simultaneous moans, Dean gripping Cas's hips as their erections came into contact. Dean met Cas's eyes breathlessly, his irises deep with desire and blackened with lust. Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's waist, drawing him in closer, and Dean gave one slow grind. Cas bit his lip, reaching up to cup Dean's face. Dean's perfect mouth parted, his red lips glistening. Almost unconsciously, Cas wiped his thumb over the plush skin, and without preamble Dean took it into his mouth.

"Mmm," Cas hummed, as Dean sucked, keeping eye contact. Droplets were dotted through his burnt caramel hair, and were running down his chiselled chest. Dean was positively shimmering, ethereal, a sun god amongst water vapour.

Wordlessly, Dean reached for the bar of square soap sitting in the dip in the wall, and Cas dimly registered that they were meant to be washing themselves. Cas withdrew his thumb, and Dean caught the hand, bringing the soap up and beginning to run the bar over the back of his palm, moving up his arm leisurely. Bubbles formed on his sleek skin, mixing with the buildup of filth on his body. Dean moved the bar over his chest, dipping down along his ribs, then up again, tracing each muscle with a nimble wipe of the soap. Cas watched the dirt steadily trickling away, watched it reach the floor, vanishing down the round drain. 

"Turn around," Dean murmured, returning the soap to its perch in the wall. Not even an attempt at an order this time, but Cas conceded anyway, turning to face the opposite wall so that his back was to Dean. Dean moved up Cas's arms, reaching his shoulders, then over his shoulder blades, massaging in the soap thoroughly. Cas closed his eyes as Dean's touch prompted a rush of blood to his dick, and he tipped his head back, feeling the drenched strands of his onyx hair tickling the back of his neck. He restrained himself from touching himself, trying not to rush things along too fast. 

"That feels good," Cas sighed instead, feeling Dean gradually ease out the knots in his back and his neck. "Mm, Dean, you're good at that."

Dean didn't reply, but then Cas felt lips on him, tracing the path his fingers had taken before them. Almost all the soap was gone now, the warm streams of water carrying it away. Cas turned around, not able to keep his eyes off Dean for a moment longer. Dean unconsciously moved his mouth to Cas's chest, grazing his teeth over his left nipple, making Cas jerk and grip his hair. Dean flattened his tongue against the sensitive skin, soothing it, as Cas reached out and grabbed the bar of soap from the perch. He would return the favour. 

"Dean, stand up," Cas commanded softly, wielding his dominant tone for the first real time that night. Dean's eyes flicked up, and he swallowed hard, straightening up hastily. Cas traced a finger over his temple, down his cheek. "Relax."

Cas brought the soap up, running it up Dean's flank, prompting a shiver to run through his body. Every touch Cas made, seemed to draw a reaction out of Dean. It was very exhilarating to know that he could have that kind of effect. He lathered the soap calmly, making sure to distribute it evenly around his body. Dean's eyes tracked his movement, tensing when Cas drew close to his groin, but Cas drifted around it, leaving him untouched for now.

"Cas, please..."

"Shhh." Cas put down the soap. He paused to look Dean up and down, indulging himself, and felt a rush of fondness when he caught sight of the blush burning in Dean's cheeks at his gaze. He got to working in the soap, the tension easing from Dean's muscles under his touch. As Dean let out soft noises of pleasure, Cas caressed scarred skin, previously sown together with dental floss and discount whiskey, paying attention to uneven portions where it had never quite healed properly. The handprint was gone, eradicated accidentally when Cas had healed Dean in Stull Cemetery. He had been unaware of the strength behind his new powers at the time, and he wonders now whether its removal ever bothered Dean. It had certainly been a connection point between them, and a blatant reminder of how their paths had crossed for the first time. Cas wondered, wryly, if its presence had ever prompted questions from Dean's other... partners. 

Cas stood Dean directly under the stream of water. Even though he had finished with the soap, he continued massaging all around Dean's body. He started up high, over his shoulders, collar bone, arms, chest, down to his ribs, belly, hips, around to his lower back. Dean threw his head back when he reached his ass, and Cas gave a few squeezes before moving down further, to his thighs, over his knees, up and down his calves, even over his feet. Everywhere except where Dean was truly aching for it. 

"You're clean now," Cas finally commented, looking up from where he was crouched. 

"Thank you. Cas," Dean rasped, eyes meeting his desperately. " _Please_... You're killing me here. I - I need you..."

"I know," Cas murmured, keeping eye contact, rubbing up and down Dean's legs. "It's okay." Dean gulped, almost comically so, as Cas tucked his legs under him so that he was kneeling and rose ever so slightly. Cas laid his hands on Dean's thighs, nudging him back towards the shower wall. Dean moved obediently, so that his back was eventually pressed to the wall. Cas followed him, resuming his position. 

Dean's dick was in front of him, rock hard by this point. He was leaking precum, slightly difficult to discern from the water but there nonetheless. Cas leant forward, ghosting his breath over the throbbing skin. He decided he rather enjoyed making Dean shiver like that, but also that he had teased enough. Slowly, he placed his lips on the head, kissing it softly, feeling Dean's knees start to buckle. He lapped up the precum carefully, before closing his mouth over the tip. Dean's hand grabbed hold of Cas's drenched hair, knotting his fingers in the locks. He brought a hand up to wrap around the base of Dean's swollen cock, pumping it several times.

"Fu-ahhhh, Cas. Oh..."

Satisfied with Dean's reaction, Cas moved his mouth down the shaft further, slowly but surely swallowing him down completely. Dean jolted under him, gasping and moaning and saying an awful lot of blasphemy. When Dean was fully seated in Cas's mouth, Cas realised he liked the sensation of being full like this, of having Dean nearly at the back of his throat. Maybe another time, Cas would let Dean fuck his mouth, taking full advantage of Cas's lack of a gag reflex, but tonight, Cas was making it his mission to take care of Dean personally. 

He gave an experimental pull, slow, and then snapping back down quickly. Dean's hips almost jerked forward, but Cas laid his hands on them, firmly pressing them back against the tiles. He bobbed his head up and down on Dean's cock, licking over his slit and then down the underside of his shaft, indulging in the velvety smooth skin on his tongue. 

"Fucking hell, Cas, ohhhh. Where the hell did you learn that? Ohhhh."

Dean was heaving breaths, groaning, pulling on Cas's hair. Cas moaned at the rough treatment, inadvertently sending additional shockwaves through Dean's dick. 

"Cas, oh, oh, FUCK, oh. So good, mmm, won't last much longer…”

Cas increased his pace, closing his eyes and hollowing out his cheeks to take in as much of him as he could, feeling Dean’s muscles constrict under his hands.

“Cas, shit, I'm gonna..."

Cas ignored the warning, giving a few last final sucks, and it's when he dragged his teeth over a vein that does it. Dean's back arched, his hips still pinned to the wall, and he cried out brokenly, as he exploded in Cas's mouth, the warm substance shooting to the back of Cas's throat. Cas swallowed it all down, and when it was over, Dean collapsed back limply. Cas began to pull off, making sure to lick up any fluid that had escaped. He pulled himself up to standing, covering Dean's body with his own, and kissed him ferociously. Dean was fucked out but he still kissed back eagerly, chasing the taste of himself in Cas's mouth. His hand reached down to grasp Cas tightly, but Cas gently batted his hand away, biting his lip at the incredible feeling of Dean's rough skin against his dick, which by now felt fit to burst. The experience of giving Dean pleasure was... overwhelming, to say the least. 

"Dean, no." Cas shook his head, smiling softly, leaning in to kiss him again.

Dean frowned against his lips. "I wanna repay you, babe. You were so good, need to repay the favour..."

Cas pulled back, a sly smirk pulling at the corner of his mouth. "Did you just - call me...?"

Dean groaned, putting his face in his hands. "Don't tell Sam, God, I'll never hear the end of it. As a matter of fact, I'll probably never hear the end of it when he hears about _this_ ," he gestured wildly to himself and Cas, "anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter."

"Let's not talk about your brother right now," Cas suggested mildly, reaching to turn off the taps. There was a possibility that they had managed to preserve at least _some_ hot water for the other residents, at least. 

Dean caught his wrists, bringing him close. He wrapped his arms around Cas's waist, locking him in a secure and protective hold. 

"Let me make it up to you," Dean whispered in Cas's ears, sending his hot breath spiralling down Cas's neck, and seemingly all through his body. Blood was rushing in his ears, which seemed impossible when it felt like it was all heading on a one-way trip to his cock. "I can make you feel so good, angel. Let me make you feel good."

Every pore on Cas's body was screaming at him to relent, but he kept control, steeling himself. 

"Not yet," Cas responded lowly, starting a hot trail of kisses down Dean's jaw. "Do you trust me, Dean?"

"Of course," Dean said immediately. 

Cas smiled at him, tipping his forehead to press against Dean's. "I'm going to take care of you," Cas vowed, staring deep into Dean's eyes as he did so. He had gotten lost in the green forest there more times than he could count, but now it was different. Now he could get as close as he likes, kiss his lips, look into his soul as much as he pleases. It was a dizzying thought.

Dean's mouth parted a little, eyes opening and closing slowly, his whole expression incredibly endearing.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked, still smiling. 

"You - uh," Dean croaked, and subsequently cleared his throat. "Jesus, you can't just say stuff like that, Cas."

"Like what?" Cas said innocently, widening his blue orbs at Dean from under his eyelashes. 

"You know what," Dean replied, exasperated. "Normal people don't say stuff like that."

"Well, I'm not 'normal people', am I," Cas posed, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck. " _We're_ not normal people. We just got back from the monster realm, if you forgot."

"When did you become such a smartass?" Dean smirked, pressing a kiss to the corner of Cas's mouth. 

"Hmm. I don't know. Rubbed off on me?"

"I got something else that can be rubbed off on you," Dean teased, grinning. Receiving him a rough shove. "Ow! What was that for?"

"You deserved that," Cas said, laughing. "That was terrible."

"Okay, fine," Dean relented, rolling his eyes. "Now, Mr Not Normal Person, we gonna get back to...? Or what?"

"Mmm. But not in here."

Dean detached himself from Cas, and led the way out of the stall, grabbing a towel and unrolling it. Before Cas could think, Dean had him wrapped in it, pinning his arms to his sides. 

"Dean!" Cas complained, a giggle slipping out despite himself, towel fluff in his mouth. "Get off me!" 

Dean shook his head, flashing his pearly teeth. He rubbed him up and down, drying him vigorously from head to toe, while Cas tried valiantly to escape his cocoon. He could use his 'mojo', but it seemed unfair, somehow. 

"There," Dean finally said, stepping back and biting back a laugh.

"Am I dry?" Cas asked sarcastically, stepping out of the towel and throwing it at Dean. "I hate you."

Dean caught it, grinning, and Cas leant back against the sink, crossing his arms, as Dean dried himself off. He grew impatient and crossed the room, ripping the towel from his hands, and just like that, they were off again. Cas kissed him, deep and fast and ineloquent, so that their teeth were bumping together messily. Cas couldn't find it in him to give a fuck. And neither, apparently, could Dean, making some absolutely filthy noises at the back of his throat, desperately licking into Cas's mouth like a withdrawing alcoholic presented with a bottle of 200 year old Scotch. 

Dean's hands were everywhere, clutching and grasping, and Cas encouraged him, willed on by the thought that Dean couldn't physically hurt him, no matter how hard he tried. Dean reached the back of Cas's thighs, and Cas broke away, nodding enthusiastically, jumping and letting Dean tuck his legs around his waist, supporting his weight fully. Dean hastily pressed their lips together again, with a kind of wild hunger, and Cas rolled forward against his pelvis, his groan resonating through Dean's mouth as his dick finally found some much-needed friction. 

"Bedroom, now," Cas growled, and Dean showed his agreement with an exhilarated sigh. He hitched Cas's legs higher up his body, securing him, before he moved them out of the bathroom. Cas sucked on his neck as Dean carried him, not giving any care to how Dean was going to cover up these bruises in public. 

They reached the bed, and there was a swooping sensation, Cas landing on the worn patchwork motel quilt a moment later with a soft whoosh. Dean fell with him, and soon they were a tangle of limbs in amongst the bedclothes, neither pausing long enough to right themselves. Dean was on top, pressing his body completely against Cas's, and Cas noted that he was hard again already, jutting up insistently against his hip.

"I like feeling you like this," Cas panted, when he got the chance to speak. Dean made an amused noise, from where his mouth was occupied by Cas's clavicle. 

"Yeah, me too."

"No, I mean like _this_. Feeling every part of you. Every inch of you, pressed into every inch of me. Matching fingers and toes and forearms and ribs. A pair, a matching organ for every organ."

Dean looked at him, gasping suddenly, hips rutting against Cas's, prompting a broken cry from Cas's mouth. "Son of a bitch, Cas. What did I tell you about saying stuff like that? It's too... _much_. It's doing some weird shit to my system."

"You like it," Cas realised, eyes opening wider from where they had been half-hooded. 

Dean, electing not to answer, dipped his head again and resumed his assault on Cas's chest. Cas hitched left his leg over Dean's back, pushing himself up and flipping them over smoothly. Dean looked surprised at the sudden change up, but not particularly upset with it, pushing himself higher up the bed and adjusting himself. Cas tucked his toes under his feet, lifting himself slightly so that he was straddling Dean's hips, before laying himself down, extending his lips to Dean's ear.

"What do you want, Dean?" he purred, bracketing Dean with his hands pressed to the sheets on either side of him. Dean flicked his eyes up and down, deliberating like he was making a choice in a candy store. Cas took hold of Dean's ear lobe in his teeth, and he got his answer. 

"Unnnh... You," Dean said breathlessly, jerking underneath him. Cas pulled back to look at him. "You, Cas. I want you. In me. I need-"

Cas nearly fell apart right there, at the sound of Dean saying those words to him, at the image what he was asking for. But he couldn't lose his mind.

"Are you sure?" Cas murmured, nuzzling Dean's neck. "Is this what you want?"

Dean held Cas's face, bringing him closer, placing a single, lingering kiss on his lips. Cas melted like chocolate over a flame. Dean drew back and smiled softly. "I'm sure."

Cas nodded, and backed up, so that he was eventually kneeling upright between Dean's thighs. 

"Uh... Do we need...?" Dean posed, a crinkle between his eyebrows that Cas wanted to kiss off. He was giving off an overall slightly apprehensive edge, but Cas reasoned that he had probably never done... _this_ exactly, and that was to be expected. When Cas realised what Dean had been asking, he procured it up with barely a thought. 

"Whoa," Dean said in surprise, as Cas put down the bottle of lubricant and box of condoms. "Your mojo really is coming back, huh?"

"In the nick of time," Cas commented wryly, beginning to idly trail his fingers down the inside of Dean's thighs, continuing until he reached the outskirts of Dean's ass. Dean inhaled sharply when Cas breached his crease, gently brushing his fingertips over the sensitive skin around his hole. Cas looked up, and Dean met his eyes, sending a silent confirmation to proceed. 

Cas reached out for the bottle of lube, feeling Dean's eyes tracking him. He coated his fingers in the substance, and let it warm for a moment, wanting Dean to be as comfortable as possible. 

"Do you want to - turn over?" Cas inquired, but Dean shook his head no. 

"I want to be able to see you." 

Cas nudged Dean up the bed further, so that his head was resting on a pillow. He grabbed another from beside him. "Here, let me put this under you, bolster you up. Are you sure, Dean? It might be easier the other way."

A meek smile graced Dean's lips, still glistening from their activities. "It's okay, angel. Go ahead."

"If we’re bringing up things that we’re not allowed to say," Cas grumbled under his breath as he moved into position and spread Dean's legs apart, "then you're really not allowed to call me 'angel'."

Dean chuckled at that, which fast transformed into a groan when Cas's index finger touched him, circling his hole several times. Cas slipped in painstakingly slow, feeling the muscles constrict around his fingertip and waiting for them to relax again before he pushed it in further. Dean's hands were twisted in the sheets, his chest rising and falling as fast as a needle on a polygraph. But he was also gyrating downwards, ever so slightly, and Cas felt a rush of satisfaction when he realised Dean was enjoying this, was searching for more sensation. When Dean began actively pushing down on his finger, Cas laid a hand on his warm belly, settling him, before adding another. Dean had been pressing his lips together, but when Cas began scissoring his fingers gently, his mouth opened and a whimper escaped from the back of his throat. 

"Feels good?" Cas asked, crooking his fingers. 

"Oh, oh fuck, yes!" Dean shouted, as Cas pressed persistently against that spot inside him. "Jesus, yes!"

"You want more?" Cas whispered, eyes firmly set on Dean's face, watching the various contortions dance across his features. Cas was doing this to Dean, he was pulling these reactions out of him, and now Dean was hastily nodding yes to a third finger. He wanted Cas to do _more_. Cas could practically feel his pupils dilating. He pumped the three fingers in and out evenly, pressing a kiss to the head of Dean's leaking cock, enjoying the stutter of Dean's pelvis up towards his mouth, and down on his fingers at the same time. 

"Cas," Dean panted, through throaty moans and shouts. "Fuck me. Ohhh... I need you to fuck me. Right now."

Cas slipped his fingers out as slowly as he could manage in his current state of mind, desperate to hurry things along and get to experience what Dean's clenching muscles felt like on his dick. Dean beckoned Cas closer towards him, a handful of lube already in his hand, and took hold of his cock, stroking him for the first time that evening. Cas gripped the base of his cock as Dean slathered it in lube, biting his lip so hard to keep himself from coming right there and then that he tasted blood. Dean finally let go, and Cas moved himself back between his legs. 

He slipped his hand around the back of Dean's thigh, nudging it up, and Dean got the message, lifting it up and resting it on Cas's shoulder when he grew close enough. Cas rolled on a condom he had grabbed from the box, struggling to keep his hand steady when Dean's stretched hole was inches from him, begging to be filled. He lined himself up, eyes on Dean, waiting for permission. Dean took a ragged breath, and then gave a single, brisk nod. 

Cas breached Dean's entrance slowly, pushing the head past the tight ring of muscles. Dean squeezed his eyes shut, and Cas grasped Dean's cock, caressing it softly a few times. When Dean relaxed again, Cas pushed in further, keeping his hand on Dean all the time. He kept going, punching out cries and moans from both of them, until he bottomed out completely. 

"Are you okay?" At this time, Cas was barely capable of making himself ask, the feeling of Dean's tight heat _everywhere_. But he had to make sure.

"Fuck, Cas, move," Dean cursed desperately from under him, sweat beading on his chest. "Please."

And that was all Cas needed. He began a slow and gentle thrust in and out, fighting to keep his movement steady and organised. When Dean's heel dug into his back, hurrying him along, he upped the intensity, moving faster. Dean moved with him, up and back down on Cas's cock, taking himself apart with moans and whimpers. Cas was feeling himself reaching the edge incredibly fast, fighting to put on the brakes long enough to grab onto Dean and for them to hurtle off together. He increased his pace, at the expense of his technique, overtaken with a kind of desperate hunger. Cas pulled back, snapped forward, and Dean arched his back and whined brokenly; Cas found his prostate. Cas moaned, and began directing each thrust on that same angle. By Dean's reaction, he was nailing his sweet spot every time. 

"Fuck, Dean, ahhh! So beautiful, so beautiful. Oh, oh, fuck."

"You're so good, you're so good," Dean repeated, grabbing hold of Cas's hand and sliding their fingers together, bumping their palms. "So good, Cas, baby."

Cas reached between them with his other hand, pumping Dean's cock, spreading the precum all over, glistening even in the dark room.

"Mmmmm, oh god, shit."

"Shit, Dean, I'm going to-"

"Fall, fall for me, come on Cas, come for me."

Dean's leg slipped off his shoulder onto the bed, as Cas shuddered and fell forwards. He buried his face in Dean's neck and shouted his name as he fell from the precipice, and Dean followed right after him, clutching at Cas's waist and releasing a keening cry over his shoulder, biting down on a tendon in his neck. Cas barely even registered the sensation, too adrift in the waves of bliss that were gradually carrying him to shore. They shuddered through the aftershocks together, bodies rocking together. Cas eventually rolled off Dean, so that they were both on their sides and wrapped around each other. 

"I'm sorry," Cas mumbled, pressing a kiss to Dean's shoulder.

"You're not still apologising, are you? Cas, it's okay."

"I am, but this time, I'm apologising to myself. For leaving this as long as I did. For ever denying myself this, for denying myself..." He laced his hand with Dean's again, studying each detail , "...You."


End file.
